[16 Jul 2006|12:58pm] i'm back. i like my new place - it's secluded, i've got five acres, and i'm about fifteen minutes from albany. not to mention boonies are pretty much hot stuff which is good for my eye but i dont have the gaul to talk to any of them. i pretty much walk all of the time now trying to get used to it but there's no sidewalks so it's only a matter of time before i trip and get hurt or something ha ha ha. i live past three lakes, and i'm walking distance from a beach so pretty soon i'll go. sierra is coming up soon to spend a weekend - a good get away for her, and rose might be coming up tonight. we've got to talk about things. i dont miss lansingburgh. this place is so much nicer, cleaner, and reserved. i dont hear car crashes, ambulances, or people outside screaming either my name or the kid's name that lives across the street anymore. nobody knows me here. i like it that way. i'm the mystery of my neighborhood, of the passerbys in cars. they don't know who i am, and i don't know who they are, but they always seem interested to know me. i didn't sleep last night. if i did, i slept for an hour until i had to go pick up my puppies which was GREAT. we're naming them amos and andy, and the one i named amos is going to be my baby and my sister's is andy. amos is so goofy, and he loves me already, i can tell ha ha. it's weird, holding babies of any animal, especially humans. i think child birth is amazing how living things can come out of other living things and then grow to continue that cycle in some way if they choose to. i just can't really believe it like when i held my new cousin - i couldnt even imagine how the mother felt or how my cousin felt. i miss cassidy and hanging out with her. she's basically my big sister but if i tell her everything that's been happening, she'll come back to me. i just don't want her to lose what she has. i miss amber. we talked last night, i cried afterwards, and then stared at my ceiling until morning. i talked to rose about everything, and i remember i said i had to go to type something. she said, "don't go back, don't do it to yourself again." i know i can't nor will i go back, but something in me is saying "go home". i'm not following my heart this time because it's just as confused as me. 1 comment|post comment

[30 Jun 2006|02:48pm] uhhhhhhhhhh i won't be around lmao for 2 weeks i will not have cable which means no phone, tv, or internet therefore, you have to call my cell phone in order to get a hold of me for any reason. IF YOU NEED MY CELL PHONE CONTACT ME ON AIM BEFORE SAT. JULY 1 @ DRIVE DOWNTOWN thank you post comment

[24 Jun 2006|11:24pm] fourth person consumed by drugs. only a matter of time before they end up like person number 2. a few days until i move to a new place. i've been working so hard these past few days i've lost five pounds. my dad said i'll be worked so hard, i'll lost at least 30 pounds this summer. well, twenty five more to go, i guess. trust me, i work hard too. lots of lifting, lost of walking around, and lots of sweating - gross. ten hours of distance is what keeps me from my soul. amazing. there it lingers in a box with other pieces of me like pictures, mistakes, drawings, letters, and probably drugs. most priced possessions. i am stuck in a box, and that is where i will forever remain, sleeping and hoping soon i will be let out and rightfully returned home. my burning eyes cannot take the darkness any longer, and my lack of sleep is contributed to the fact i no longer know when it's night or when it is day. i'm watching someone crumble in front of me. i cannot do anything. i have been watching for what seems like decades now, and in the past years, i have attempted. my attempts were only lashed back at me, and now i bear scars because of my gratitude and of my concern. i almost give up on caring as a whole, but my soul has commanded me that i will never become an emotionless void. i have felt sick lately. it's my anxiety/panic. i will get better soon, i just need to learn how to relax. i have been relaxing better, but i have to pack soon because i will be moving this time next week. it's a scary thought. my dad has to get a gun because bears live near our house, and then we're getting two lab puppies. i love puppies. i hate change. my throat is twisting and turning. my mouth is changing opinions, causing concern and despair. i never realized how big of an impact i had on people until this last month. people have been muttering words that seem almost worthless to others, but to me they are small treasures i will remember. thank you. i love everyone of you that have brought upon happiness and reminded me keeping my chin up is better than looking down at only gravel and dirt. the world is always more beautiful from a higher point of view. why is it people only start showing affection when they realize they might not be there tomorrow? if we all showed emotion and affection to those we love and care for, we wouldn't be so worried when they leave us that they won't know how much they really mean to us. it's a typical human action that shows our ignorance and lethargic manner when it comes to our emotions. if i say i love you to someone who means something to me whenever i could or whenever was right, then i wouldn't worry about them knowing how i feel. our minds take over our hearts too much, we must stop it. finished. post comment

emergency room [16 Jun 2006|09:08am] i deleted all of my old entries, they were useless. anxiety will be the destruction of my living being, of my very own soul. the emergency room was never something that made me excited. whenever i walk through the doors with whatever is wrong with me, i get overwhelmed, and i get afraid. it doesn't help that last night i was already afraid when i walked in their last night. i guess it started around seven. i have been so stressed out lately, and i was thinking about it. this has happened before, but i usually put myself to sleep hoping i wake up the next morning. this time though, it was worse. maybe it was because i was scared and i didn't know what was wrong, so i was freaking out. so i drank tons of water and walked around, thinking it would calm my breathing down, but it didn't. so i thought, "what if i'm having an asthma attack?" i literally felt like i was suffocating in my own body. at one point, i had to use the walls to help me walk, and when i laid down, i couldn't get back up -- i would be too dizzy. so i finally woke my mom up, and i said how much it bothered me to breathe, and i didn't feel well. she said take some cough medicine and pepto bismol because i heard you vomitting. so i basically chugged both medicines, took more pain killers, and tried to go to bed. i almost fell asleep, but i suddenly became really cold. i was shivering, and i was like, "mom please, it really hurts to breathe, i can't do it." so she asked me questions, and when i answered them, she said, "tennley, get dressed, we're going to the emergency room." so she called my dad, but my dad took me instead. (i think i pulled a tarentino on this entry by starting at the end and then going through the story, now i'm to the end again. whoops.) anyway, we walked into the emergency room, and by this time it had gotten really until the point i felt like i needed to take a very long long sleep. since i was the youngest there, i was obligated to go first which i can't say thank people enough for. so when we got there, i had to be hooked up to this thing, and everything was fine: my heart, my breathing, and i guess the sound of my body inside? lmao so they're like, "you don't have asthma, you're not dying, and you don't have a blood clot. ok doctor needs you now." turns out i was having a REALLY REALLY bad anxiety attack, and the doctor said if i get a few more like that, i either have to go on medication or join a support group. i was like "gee, i'm an emotional wreck." my dad yelled at me in a caring way saying i have to learn how to calm down, but it's so hard lately. it's so hard to catch a grip on myself. i haven't been able to do that in so long, and it's catching up to me. i told my dad it's only bound to get worse, and he said if i can control it, it'll be fine. i can't control my stress, i never cool. it's only going down hill from here. post comment

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